Reflected sound as of underground spirits
by Jerex
Summary: a humerous reflection on the luggage by Bilious Oddious discworlds answer to Bill Oddie


Reflected sound as of underground spirits

An in-depth study of the malevolent entity often spotted trailing behind a figure that resembles a scruffy scarecrow wearing a wizzards hat staggering out of the 'Drum come closing time. A fascinating example of the Genesis asper pera more commonly known as simply 'the Luggage' by Bilious Oddious.

For those of you who are familiar with the sight of a reasonably large and otherwise unobtrusive trunk suddenly sprouting hundreds of legs and escorting itself to the foot of it's owners bed, this study will gibe you a valuable insight into it's habits, habitats and indeed the actions of the extremely rare and unique form of luggage life-form (please note Bilious has never been to the counterweight continent and if he did he would most likely have a fit) And for those of you who haven't previously heard of a type of luggage capable of walking beside it's owner then this study is also invaluable if only to warn you of the danger that currently inhabits the space on top of the wardrobe in the Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography's Bedroom.

But were getting ahead of ourselves having discovered what the Luggage is, namely a trunk on legs that can walk and think for itself (although admittedly leading ommizoologists are still debating about that particular kettle of fish) the first question is of course How! As in How did such a staggeringly useful if dangerous life-form ever come to be? And dare I say it evolve to be? (Actully the first question is usually more along the lines of What! As in what the hell is that!...if you'll excuse my Klachian, What in the name of Blind Io! And simply what the…arrgh!) the answer like the question is simple it didn't.

I'm sure there are none amongst you who haven't heard of the terrible mage wars during the age of the sourcerers (for more information on the age of sourcerers you should check out Terry prattchets Sourcery novel which documents the very nearly second mage wars) To this day vast area's of the Discworld remain saturated with raw magic which has an unsettling effect on the various life-forms that lived in these area's, and an even greater effect on the various non-life-forms which are now living in the area's.

Now what you must realize is the Luggage isn't naturally unnatural, what I mean to say is that it was manufactured from Sapient Pearwood (a tree that evolved exclusively in area's heavily saturated in magic) ingrained with every instinct a luggage requires in order to serve it's owner therefore it is impossible to lose the luggage which will follow it's owner anywhere and indeed any when, it has even been known to cross dimensional boundaries on occasion just to remain by it's owners side.

Now any Wizard can tell us that sapient Pearwood is so rare and magically strong that only one or two highly acclaimed Wizarding scepters are known to be made out of it and so the existence of an entire trunk made out of it means that no matter what valuables you store inside it, no matter how many large gems, piles of gold and Ankh-morporkian Dollars you cram inside it the contents of the luggage will never come close to equaling it in value which at first glance appears to be a major design flaw after all any have a go thief could just steal the entire luggage rather than just it's contents…

!A word of extreme warning: Do not attempt to steal from the Luggage, do not attempt to steal the Luggage, do not even go near the Luggage if you can avoid it!

…fortunately the Luggage is more than capable of looking after itself; It has been known to eat people, drag sharks onto dry land and trample them to death and fight fire breathing chimeras and win! So in a nutshell no one messes with the luggage…and lives (it is not actually known what happens to anyone unlucky enough to be eaten by the Luggage, whether or not they actually die that sought of thing, it is simply said that they are gone, certainly however there are no known cases of anyone returning after been eaten by the Luggage)

On the topics of eating it has come to light in an interview with the Luggage's present owner who will remain nameless but Unseen University registered, I can now report a distressing habit the Luggage had developed when in taverns it apparently sidles up to the other patrons and bother them until they buy it crisps which is as I am sure you all agree an embarrassing habit for your travel accessory to bear, however he did add that so long as you give it a saucer of beer it'll remain under the table and out of harms way (other people's harms way the Luggage doesn't really have a harms way to get in the way of, although I might have that backward.)

The Luggage as previously states thinks. I do not know how it thinks but I am one hundred percent sure that it thinks…eighty percent…sixty percent…look it thinks I'm telling you! The Luggage has in fact as far as I can tell two main though processes, one involving the world and the other on its owner.

The Luggage's thoughts on the world are similar to that of an axe wilding maniacs minus the axe obviously. It has been said before and I'll say it again that in the entire chronicle of travel accessories no other item of Luggage has such a history of mystery and grievous bodily harm. The only thoughts the Luggage seems to have about the world in general go somewhat around these lines "if it moves trample it" "if it doesn't move smash through it" and finally "if it comes close enough – eat it!"

The Luggage's thoughts on it's owner are much more complex especially when you consider it's present owner is a former ape's assistant, A Wizzard when despite there been eight levels of Wizarding has so far failed to reach even level 0, a man who is a craven coward and yet is known to the likes of Bravd the Hublander, Cohen the Barbarian and his Silver Horde, Hrun the Barbarian, the Weasel and last but by no means least Conina the hairdressing Phantom thief and swordswoman. The Luggage has shown nothing but loyalty to all its owners (and a frank disregard for life and walls) and doesn't look like it's going to stop just because its current owner couldn't magic himself out of a paper bag. Just why the Luggage has chosen to adopt him is another one of those unanswerable questions along side the likes of why is there a Death of Rats and not a Death of cats? And Why when you leave a sign firmly declaring the dangers of touching/opening/moving something does a Wizard come along read it and then touch/open/move it? No one knows although the heads of magic at the Unseen University have thought long and hard on the subject from convenient thinking positions hanging from chandeliers and crammed inside cupboards and so on but have failed to come up with anything conclusive.

Perhaps it's the lure of all the people its current owner attracts who try to kill him giving the Luggage the perfect excuse to eat them or trample them. Or and this is my personal theory perhaps it's because its current owner is always traveling and never has time to pack which makes him perfectly suited for owning the Luggage, we may never know for sure.

So in conclusion…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**We regret to inform you that just as Bilious was about to write down the conclusion to his in-depth study on the luggage from his position just outside the unseen University a Scruffy looking Wizzard been pursued by several better dressed Wizards (the Leader with a walrus moustache and an unusual hat even by Wizarding standards, A Wizard in black roes and a matching cape with a skull ring and a death mark medallion hanging around his neck, A rather young wizard wearing spectacles and dressed in plain robes and hat, a rather worn looking wizard with a long beard, and a rather vacant eye'd wizard happily skipping along after them as they ran past Bilious's position. And although Bilious stepped aside and avoided been trampled to death in a Wizzard hunt he unfortunately failed to remember one vital point he had himself made and stepped in the path of the Luggage and we must now inform you that he is most definitely dead, not gone, dead, extinct as the Emu. Sadly this means we shall never hear what conclusions he had made concerning the Luggage so you'll have to find your own conclusions which is after all what life is all about.**

**The end.**


End file.
